Swine Flu (or as I like to call it, Captain Tripps) is ALL the rage right now. You can’t go five feet without hearing something about it.  The 24-hour news networks are loving it because it gives them something to talk about (except for Fox; they’re still raging that Obama got elected), Twitter is going nuts with all sorts of panic and misinformation and Sen. Byrd was seen stirring from his slumber. But that was just because one of his nurses rolled him over. He wouldn’t know “Swine Flu” from “Swine Shit” at this point in the game.

As usual, CNN is frothing at the mouth over this. They’ve got it covered wall to wall. Which is monumental in its own right because that means they stopped talking about who has more Twitter followers — them or Ashton Kutcher. Anyway, with a little help from CNN’s Web site I give your their FAQ on what Swine Flu is exactly. After their answers, I’ve contributed my own responses translation to the  questions giving you the REAL TALK. Reading between the lines and giving you the TRUTH that CNN wouldn’t DARE share with you.

So, lets find out a little about the latest superstar potential superflu to send the News Media into full on ‘lets blindly cause a panic’ mode;

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Q Is it still safe to eat pork?

CNN: Yes, pork is safe to eat. You cannot catch swine flu from food, according to U.S. Department of Agriculture scientists. Also, there is no evidence touching raw pork infected with the virus poses a risk, the USDA says. Cooking pork to an internal temperature of 160 degrees kills all viruses.

REAL TALK: BACON CAN KILL YOU! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STAY AWAY FROM PIGS! EVERYBODY PANIC!!!

Q: Is there any type of vaccine that exists for this virus?
CNN: There is no vaccine that has been developed specifically for this virus.

REAL TALK: Ever read “The Stand?” Yeah, it’s kinda gonna be like that. Only without Rob Lowe and the really dumb guy from ‘Coach.’

Q: Different news sources have conflicting information about the number of countries affected so far. How many countries have been affected by this outbreak?
CNN: By midday Tuesday, the World Health Organization had confirmed cases in Mexico, the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, Spain and New Zealand. The Israeli health ministry is reporting two cases.

REAL TALK: We really have no freakin idea! We’re just making this shiat up as we go really.

Q: I am traveling to Mexico. Are there any precautions that we should take to protect ourselves?
CNN:
At this time, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends that U.S. travelers avoid all nonessential travel to Mexico. Changes to this recommendation will be posted on the CDC Web site .

If you must travel to an area that has reported cases of swine flu, the CDC recommends anyone at high risk of severe illness from influenza –people with chronic conditions such as diabetes, lung disease, heart disease and the elderly — are urged to take prescription antiviral medications — Tamiflu or Relenza — for prevention of swine influenza during travel. Practice healthy hygiene, such as washing your hands often with soap and water, using hand sanitizers with at least 60 percent alcohol, and avoid close contact with sick people, to help stop the spread of swine flu.

REAL TALK: Don’t go to Mexico. Ever. Unless you’re going to Tijuana. And, if you’re going to Tijuana right now it’s ESPECIALLY important you avoid the prostitues. They may have had bacon for breakfast and now have another weapon in their arsenal that can kill you (along with knives, guns, the HIV.) And, for the love of God, don’t drink the water or eat the worm.

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For the record, as of press time, all efforts to reach Randall Flagg for a comment have proven futile. If you know how to succesfully contact him (or if you just have comments) e-mail us: realtalkliveblog@gmail.com

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